Don't let those ninnies take yer good eye!

It'd be a damn shame to hide hair this handsome.

Get these now, before Glenn Danzig finds out about them and buys them all! Seriously, you can have a world where these spooky sleeves are in stock, or a world where Glenn Danzig exists, but not both! Hurry! He's googling "spooky sleeves" RIGHT NOW!

For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.

It's pants... Texas Style! These crotchless leather leggings are perfect if you already own pants. Note: To be used as auxiliary pants only. Please do not employ as primary source of pants.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

The carpets will run red with enemy blood thanks to this dapper Second Annual Saxxy Awards ensemble.

Dress up your respirator to trick people into thinking you're a delusional maniac living in a fantasy world!

Unlike real wings, these don't help you fly at all, or have Paul McCartney in them. However, these wings ARE 100% made from Steve Winwood.

Forget coffee, lad. THIS'll wake ye up on a cold winter morning.

Being a repository of the foundational ingredients necessary for a body to live a life of leisure in space—namely one part oxygen, one part mercury, and twelve parts laudanum.

Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!

Used to open locked supply crates.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Wrestling's real, and now you can prove it.

Discover the exciting world of the samurai! Speak quickly and angrily! Grow facial hair! Maybe if you kill another samurai and apologize after, you'll get to date his wife! The possibilities are endless!

Show Chinese organized crime gangs who's boss by wearing their cool tattoos without actually participating in any of their totally illegal criminal conspiracies! Note: DO NOT actually show your new tattoo to ANYONE in a Chinese organized crime gang.

Used to open locked supply crates.

One wolf, no moon. Collect all three!

Because it's cheaper and less painful than a tattoo.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Capes are worn by only the most prestigious individuals. Kings. Dracula. Teenagers pretending they're wizards. Now you can join their illustrious ranks with this King of Scotland Cape. Wear it with pride, and make those prepubescents proud.

This commemorative sweatband is a loving tribute to the heroes – and we don't use that word lightly – who live their lives like sweaty candles in the wind.

Forget coffee, lad. THIS'll wake ye up on a cold winter morning.

Argyle. Pipe-smoking. Individually, they make you look like an idiot. Together, they make you look smart AND stylish! Just like Umberto Eco!

Trick your enemies into thinking you are the doorman at a classy hotel. By the time they get wise, you'll be miles away with their car and luggage, rummaging through their clothes and laughing at them.

It's pants... Texas Style! These crotchless leather leggings are perfect if you already own pants. Note: To be used as auxiliary pants only. Please do not employ as primary source of pants.

Keep your hands warm and your fingers freezing with these paintable leather and suede fingerless gloves.

Keep one eye on your enemy and
the other one on everything else.

Demo is already a lot like Santa Claus. They both have extensive knowledge of modern explosives, they both hate Judy Garland, and now, they can both sport a charming beard and corn cob pipe.

So nice of the Spy to lend an arm...

Because real espionage is an artform.

Though it looks like a simple ten-gallon hat, this modern feat of engineering actually contains more moving parts than a level 2 Sentry Gun.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Used to open locked supply crates.

This handsome leather cylinder improves on the diary in every way. Do you have secret thoughts? Write 'em down, ball 'em up, and stuff 'em in the tube. It's incredibly easy to find a thought when you need it, too. Simply empty out the tube and there they all are. You're just one simple unballing away from remembering it.

Using modern super-deluxe resolution graphics!

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Designed to inspire fear, the dragons this helm was based on were less than impressed.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Re-express your undying hatred for the living annually with this skull-themed hate hat.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Your opponents will be all shook up when they see these sweet shades and coif.

So nice of the Spy to lend an arm...

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Tenth Most Famous Reindeer? Not for long! Reindoonicorn may have hit rock bottom after being benched in favor of a mutant with a bioluminescent growth on his nose, but those decades spent bouncing from one halfway house to the next have given him all the grit and determination he needs to get back on top! That and the fact that he's recently been seen hanging around with nine heavily armed lunatics practically guarantees that this is one reindeer to watch out for.

Because it's cheaper and less painful than a tattoo.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.

Have an actual ghost of Mann Co.'s first doomed monkeynaut expedition haunt your shoulder! Unlike the many other doomed monkeynaut expeditions undertaken by Mann Co., Operation Banana Catapult was unique in that no space shuttles were even used.

It doesn't matter how much people respect you when they're on fire.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Argyle. Pipe-smoking. Individually, they make you look like an idiot. Together, they make you look smart AND stylish! Just like Umberto Eco!

Our lawyers say 'YES! YES!'

Remind those ungrateful bastards how valuable your Medic skills are by striking a heroic pose accompanied by an angelic choir, beams of divine light, and a flock of doves.

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

The ultimate in semi-concealed weaponry.
There's no question you need this gun,
the only question is: where will you keep it?

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Walkin' down the street to the hardcore beat while his Mann Co. boom vibrates the concrete.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!

Add 100 extra slots to your backpack!
(2000 spaces maximum)

Don't leave your friends hanging.

This is a press-and-hold taunt. Hold down the action slot key to remain in the taunt's pose.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Wee! It's summer! We're having fun!
AH GOD IT'S BOLTED TO HIS HEAD!

The good, the bad, and the dead.

liquidslime, an oxymoron really.

Used to open locked supply crates.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Because a Gentleman is not one without one.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

This dashing number will help you commit crimes of all kinds—except against fashion.

Just because you're an unknowable enigma doesn't mean you shouldn't bundle up. Remember what your mom told you... if you even HAVE one, you inscrutable person of mystery!

Frostbite of the ears halts blood flow, and leads to tissue death, gangrene, and infection. And nobody wants to look at your gangrenous infected ears. Cover up those frostbitten abominations with these stylish earmuffs.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Sometimes we put some jokes in these descriptions. But, no joke: This looks good. Really sharp.

Used to open locked supply crates.

It's casual business up front, and more casual business in the back. Now: check those sides. Yep. It's casual business there too. Cover all the casual business bases with this unbuttoned suit jacket.

Being an innovative hand-held irradiating utensil capable of producing rapid pulses of high-amplitude radiation in sufficient quantity as to immolate, maim and otherwise incapacitate the Irish.

So nice of the Spy to lend an arm...

Being a tool that eliminates exertion by harnessing the electrical discharges of thunder-storms for the vigorous coercion of bolts, nuts, pipes and similar into their rightful places. May also be used to bludgeon.

This damaged capacitor seems to be fire-proof as well as broken. Is there anything it CAN'T do (besides work)?

This smooth, suave, silk-lined beauty can turn any amateur backstabber into a handsome rogue.

It's casual business up front, and more casual business in the back. Now: check those sides. Yep. It's casual business there too. Cover all the casual business bases with this unbuttoned suit jacket.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Walkin' down the street to the hardcore beat while his Mann Co. boom vibrates the concrete.

Wrestling's real, and now you can prove it.

The RoBro 3000 doesn't just watch your back in battle! Whether you're on the battlefield, out on the town, sleeping in bed or on the toilet, you'll always have a friend in the RoBro, which comes with no "OFF" switch and cannot be shut down. The RoBro even tapes everything you do, whether you want it to or not. It's not even a feature we installed on the RoBro—it's just something it does for its own mysterious reasons!

Your BFFs (enemies) will turn their frowns upside down (confront their own mortality) as they dance a merry jig to (run in terror from) these cheery tunes (soul-destroying funeral dirges). (Equips Pyrovision.)

Why fight in the sun when you could lounge in the shade?

Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

Simple and elegant, this slimming hair helmet will bring out the natural contours of your fearsome war face.

Ask any daredevil what they strap onto their heads before getting shot out of a cannon and the answer will be the same: a glassy, unfocused stare from years of head trauma. Head trauma that could have been prevented with this sharp-looking crash helmet.

Because a Gentleman is not one without one.

The RoBro 3000 doesn't just watch your back in battle! Whether you're on the battlefield, out on the town, sleeping in bed or on the toilet, you'll always have a friend in the RoBro, which comes with no "OFF" switch and cannot be shut down. The RoBro even tapes everything you do, whether you want it to or not. It's not even a feature we installed on the RoBro—it's just something it does for its own mysterious reasons!

Just because you're an unknowable enigma doesn't mean you shouldn't bundle up. Remember what your mom told you... if you even HAVE one, you inscrutable person of mystery!

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Dress up your respirator to trick people into thinking you're a delusional maniac living in a fantasy world!

Let your enemies know you're a loose cannon by showing them how little you care about your own appearance. You've let yourself go, and have absolutely nothing to lose. Terrifying!

This smooth, suave, silk-lined beauty can turn any amateur backstabber into a handsome rogue.

Everyone knows that speed is a Scout's best friend. Why weigh yourself down with bulky hats when you can break the sound barrier without them?

Show balls who is the boss.

These cheery (but terrifying!) balloons are made from the actual inflated faces of ghosts. Order now, before those uppity ghost rights activists get wind of this and shut it down.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Straight outta control point.

Used to specify a class in blueprints

Wear your loyalty like a brightly-colored noose around your neck.

We gave peace a chance. It didn't work.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Our lawyers say 'YES! YES!'

Being a maths-enhancing hairpiece that endeavors to heighten the senses of any soul, be he a gentle-man of leisure deserving of such a thing, or a loathsome tiller of the earth of whom a beating would not go unwarranted.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Re-express your undying hatred for the living annually with this skull-themed hate hat.

It'd be a damn shame to hide hair this handsome.

Walkin' down the street to the hardcore beat while his Mann Co. boom vibrates the concrete.

Using modern super-deluxe resolution graphics!

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Don't leave your friends hanging.

This is a press-and-hold taunt. Hold down the action slot key to remain in the taunt's pose.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Discourage identity theft.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

A symbol of service in the Venusian legions.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

The perfect winter accessory for those times when your holiday fun escalates into a high-casualty firefight. 90% more blood-absorbent than any other scarf on the market!

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

Ye hae ne'er glympsed a hatte whych be
as grimm as yonder hatte ye glympse upon.

Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!

When you were a kid, all you wanted was to play the bongos. But then you grew up and, like all of us, realized you're not as good at bongos as Matthew McConaughey. Well, guess what, pal: Nobody is, or ever will be. (Equips Pyrovision.)

Never bring a gun to a blueprint fight.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Wrestling's real, and now you can prove it.

So mysterious. So deadly. So nearsighted.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

This matching henchman's boots, belt and pocket combo lets you run away from things, keep your pants up and carry what's left of your dignity at the same time.

Protect your civilian identity from those who would harm you for your complicity in nefarious deeds, and those who would punch you in the stomach for dressing up like a moth.

Unlike real wings, these don't help you fly at all, or have Paul McCartney in them. However, these wings ARE 100% made from Steve Winwood.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Nothing

Ye hae ne'er glympsed a hatte whych be
as grimm as yonder hatte ye glympse upon.

Only for those with manly adductor halluci.

Used to open locked supply crates.

While lacking the cachet of other hats, the Gatsby nonetheless possesses its own sartorial elegance. Its understated and affable charm appeals to everyone, whether playing a round of golf with friends or performing non-elective surgery with a well-polished bonesaw.

We can't pronounce it either.

Re-express your undying hatred for the living annually with this skull-themed hate hat.

Enter a world of imagination that's far superior to the crap-ass worlds of imagination you get from books. Pyrovision lets you see the TF2niverse from our favorite arsonist's perspective.

Make sure you never throw in the towel, even accidentally, by keeping it nice and close, where it can't run off and surrender like a coward when you're not looking.

Way way more ghastly.

There exists an agency so secret that only three people on the planet even know of its existence. This is the medal they give each other when one of them does a great job.

This damaged capacitor seems to be fire-proof as well as broken. Is there anything it CAN'T do (besides work)?

Every little thing is gonna be alright.

It's casual business up front, and more casual business in the back. Now: check those sides. Yep. It's casual business there too. Cover all the casual business bases with this unbuttoned suit jacket.

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

Toting around a 150-kilogram minigun gives those forearm muscles a nice workout. Show them off with these rolled-sleeved shirts, in your choice of argyle, lumberjack, rugby stripe or vertical pinstripe.

This shoulder-mounted feathered friend comes in any color you like, and is so full of whiskey it couldn't fly off if it wanted to. Great to have around if you decide to eat it—just turn your head and bite!

Attention, tramps! Are you MAN enough to carry around cans full of expired soup? Are you CRAZY enough to pretend they're grenades? Are you HUNGRY enough to probably eat the soup later, when nobody's looking? We bet yes!

Just a like the Soldier's actual grenades, these shiny glass baubles are purely ornamental.

Your BFFs (enemies) will turn their frowns upside down (confront their own mortality) as they dance a merry jig to (run in terror from) these cheery tunes (soul-destroying funeral dirges). (Equips Pyrovision.)

Changes the description of an item in your backpack

The most distinguished tape-on fire-retardant facial hair available, for the discerning gentleman of conflagration.

This handsome leather cylinder improves on the diary in every way. Do you have secret thoughts? Write 'em down, ball 'em up, and stuff 'em in the tube. It's incredibly easy to find a thought when you need it, too. Simply empty out the tube and there they all are. You're just one simple unballing away from remembering it.

Being a repository of the foundational ingredients necessary for a body to live a life of leisure in space—namely one part oxygen, one part mercury, and twelve parts laudanum.

In the time it takes you to read this description, I've already ubered a heavy, captured your base, solved a crime, and smoked three pipes.

This duffel comes with leather straps so all your money doesn't fall out. The leather straps also don't tighten all the way, so some money WILL fall out, and ladies will know how rich you are. (Answer: Very. Also handsome.)

A cute, plushy pocket buddy.
Aw, he even has his own hat!

When you were a kid, all you wanted was to play the bongos. But then you grew up and, like all of us, realized you're not as good at bongos as Matthew McConaughey. Well, guess what, pal: Nobody is, or ever will be. (Equips Pyrovision.)

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Don't let those ninnies take yer good eye!

Slay-bells will be ringing in the slow-roasted ears of your burn victims.

A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

This hat does not in any way, shape, or form, promote smoking or gambling.

Present this voucher in Mann vs. Machine when starting Mann Up Mode. You and every person on your team will receive an extra item drop when you complete a mission.

This quantum-collared lab coat includes a handy rubber pipe that siphons blood from your heart, where it is not needed, to your shooting arm, where it is!

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Used to paint other items.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Present this voucher in Mann vs. Machine when starting Mann Up Mode. You and every person on your team will receive an extra item drop when you complete a mission.

Used to paint other items.

Why let your front have all the fun? Add more junk to the upper part of your trunk with this selection from the finest junkyards in Paris.

Used to paint other items.

Throughout the history of civilization, the white beard has come to symbolize wisdom and status. Show the world it's possible to be bearded AND stupid with this Heavy- and Soldier-specific face-nest. Shove it, civilization!

Used to paint other items.

Is an enemy player questioning your skills, personal hygiene, and/or ancestry?
Use these stylish firearms to challenge them to a duel!
See the Mann Co. Catalog for full details.

Used to paint other items.

This compact medical equipment bag makes the perfect accessory for the doctor on the go. Treat patients out of doors, in the fresh unsterile air of the battlefield.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Only for those with manly adductor halluci.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Has back-stabbing lost its charm? Is sneaking too simple? Try wearing this 15 pound metal hat on your head! Enjoy the meta-challenge of keeping your neck from snapping as you sap sentries! This is spine-crushing entertainment!

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

Did you know that fire can melt metal? Like, say you were fighting an army of robots. You could melt them! With fire! It's true! Just a fun little fact we learned today. We don't really see any practical application for the information, but it's good to learn.

Being a maths-enhancing hairpiece that endeavors to heighten the senses of any soul, be he a gentle-man of leisure deserving of such a thing, or a loathsome tiller of the earth of whom a beating would not go unwarranted.

This battlefield awareness bandanna is stitched with nanofibers that can download battlefields from Wikipedia straight to your face, so you will never not be aware of them.

Clothes make the man, and jewelry makes the man look ridiculous if not worn correctly. This understated gold chain strikes a perfect balance that says, "Yes, I'm wearing a necklace, but I left the tiara at home."

Demo is already a lot like Santa Claus. They both have extensive knowledge of modern explosives, they both hate Judy Garland, and now, they can both sport a charming beard and corn cob pipe.

Originally owned by some punk kid in Syria, this Arabian wish-granter is a lamp full of liquid courage. Simply rub, think liquory thoughts, and pour. Warning: don't think about anything else while rubbing, or you might not get booze.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Everyone knows that speed is a Scout's best friend. Why weigh yourself down with bulky hats when you can break the sound barrier without them?

Do the snow-pants dance with this stylish holiday ensemble from famed Arctic designer Kristoff Kringle.

Watch as your enemies quake in fear at the sight of this tiny koala! Hear them scream at his horrifying little hat! Smell them reel in alarm at how deviously small it is! Warning: You may not be able to stand the terror yourself!

For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.

Little known fact: cats are fantastic engineers. Go ahead and ask about it next time you see one. In case you don't speak feline, "meow" means "that cantilever is deflected over its g-type joist girder." It's probably going to say that a lot.

The best part of fighting a robot army is you get to salvage all of their destroyed body parts for fun new accessories. Take the Medic Mech-pack! What a fine looking number. It's a good thing robots don't have souls, or they'd be mighty angry that we're using their body parts as cosmetic items!

The RoBro 3000 doesn't just watch your back in battle! Whether you're on the battlefield, out on the town, sleeping in bed or on the toilet, you'll always have a friend in the RoBro, which comes with no "OFF" switch and cannot be shut down. The RoBro even tapes everything you do, whether you want it to or not. It's not even a feature we installed on the RoBro—it's just something it does for its own mysterious reasons!

As a thought experiment, Medic has taken to wearing this mask, releasing innocuous gas into a room and screaming, "Dear god – the poison tanker has burst!" to see what people will do. So far, the tests have been inconclusive. Although, a couple people have died. So that's interesting.

Everyone knows laughter is the best medicine. But did you know that laughter is also the best disguise? No? Well, good thing you're not a cop infiltrating the Chinese mafia, then. Oh wait you are. AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD. Look, rookie, these glasses are hilarious.

Any day can be the Fourth of July if you just believe. It also helps if you have a bag of fireworks – like the Pyrotechnic Tote - you can set off to distract people when they try to tell you that you can't take the day off to eat hot dogs and get drunk at the park. Is this not America, Samuel? Do we not have the freedom to vomit in our own shoes?

For the first time in history, batteries are included with your purchase of Demo's battery Bandolier. Because, well, you're purchasing batteries. We should have said, for the first time in history [except for all those times you bought batteries].

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, as is the case with this hand-rolled Soldier cigar, it's gravel, manure, human hair, and taco seasoning wrapped up in old band-aids.

This stylish bronze badge lets people know that at some crucial point in your family genealogy, one of your family members became intimately involved with a monster cyclops.

Being a highly malleable, thoroughly combustible silver crest that declares one's commitment, and intention, to immolate all creatures on God's Earth.

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

Sure, you're in the market for shoes to help you lurk in the shadows. But once you slip on these natty calf leather spatterdashes, you'll want EVERYONE to check you out.

E hele mākou i kahakai.

You'll be batting a thousand (skulls in) when you don this red piece of plastic!

After a long day of burning scouts.

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Look like you know what you're doing when you pronounce people dead.

Slay-bells will be ringing in the slow-roasted ears of your burn victims.

Wee! It's summer! We're having fun!
AH GOD IT'S BOLTED TO HIS HEAD!

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

One wolf, no moon. Collect all three!

Show enthusiasm! For your favorite things!

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Wee! It's summer! We're having fun!
AH GOD IT'S BOLTED TO HIS HEAD!

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

The carpets will run red with enemy blood thanks to this dapper Second Annual Saxxy Awards ensemble.

Enjoy the absolute cutting edge of nineteenth century sideburn fashion with these lustrous, face-hugging muttons. There's no meat in these chops, ladies—but there's plenty of beefcake.

Forget coffee, lad. THIS'll wake ye up on a cold winter morning.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Discourage identity theft.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Show enthusiasm! For your favorite things!

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Just because you're an unknowable enigma doesn't mean you shouldn't bundle up. Remember what your mom told you... if you even HAVE one, you inscrutable person of mystery!

Keep sandvich safe with sandvich safe. Okay, is good, no more description. Buy.

Originally owned by some punk kid in Syria, this Arabian wish-granter is a lamp full of liquid courage. Simply rub, think liquory thoughts, and pour. Warning: don't think about anything else while rubbing, or you might not get booze.

The most terrifying Soviet/Latino partnership since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Your enemies will clap in delight at the cartoonish innocence of these old-timey bombs, making it that much sweeter when you blow their arms off.

A gentleman always has a flower handy to drop on an opponent's grave.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Is that a miniature Spy in your pocket, or are you just happy to OH GOD STOP HITTING ME!

Every time you fed a duck a breadcrumb, you were financing the Duck Mob. You're implicated. There's no going back now. Take this duck, go to the corner of 43rd, and enter the black Cadillac. When you meet the Don, don't make any jokes about horse heads. He hates that.

Wear your loyalty like a brightly-colored noose around your neck.

Trick your enemies into thinking you are the doorman at a classy hotel. By the time they get wise, you'll be miles away with their car and luggage, rummaging through their clothes and laughing at them.

Don't leave your friends hanging.

This is a press-and-hold taunt. Hold down the action slot key to remain in the taunt's pose.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Used to specify a class in blueprints

Just a like the Soldier's actual grenades, these shiny glass baubles are purely ornamental.

Every time you fed a duck a breadcrumb, you were financing the Duck Mob. You're implicated. There's no going back now. Take this duck, go to the corner of 43rd, and enter the black Cadillac. When you meet the Don, don't make any jokes about horse heads. He hates that.

The shirt and tie let enemies know you're all business. But the short-sleeved vest tells them you're the kind of businessman who can't find a suit jacket that covers your huge guns.

Throughout the history of civilization, the white beard has come to symbolize wisdom and status. Show the world it's possible to be bearded AND stupid with this Heavy- and Soldier-specific face-nest. Shove it, civilization!

Walkin' down the street to the hardcore beat while his Mann Co. boom vibrates the concrete.

Make sure you never throw in the towel, even accidentally, by keeping it nice and close, where it can't run off and surrender like a coward when you're not looking.

Re-express your undying hatred for the living annually with this skull-themed hate hat.

A symbol of service in the Venusian legions.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

A relic from one war brought into another.
Your enemy will get the point.

Do the snow-pants dance with this stylish holiday ensemble from famed Arctic designer Kristoff Kringle.

Express your undying hatred for the living.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Wear your loyalty like a brightly-colored noose around your neck.

Show enthusiasm! For your favorite things!

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

This fur-lined coat/sweater combo comes with Mann Co.'s guarantee that, as with all of our products, at least three endangered species went extinct during the making of this product. Note: fur is synthetic.

Being a water-soluble, highly poisonous copper crest offering mute testament to one's commitment to the sciences. Prolonged exposure may cause tissue putridity, muscle atrophy and bone softening in the infirm, elderly and those graced with child.

Used to specify a class in blueprints

Remind those ungrateful bastards how valuable your Medic skills are by striking a heroic pose accompanied by an angelic choir, beams of divine light, and a flock of doves.

Don't let those ninnies take yer good eye!

A-ha-ha! You are as PRESUMPTUOUS as you are POOR and IRISH. Tarnish notte the majesty of my TOWER of HATS.

Our lawyers say 'YES! YES!'

Why fight in the sun when you could lounge in the shade?

E hele mākou i kahakai.

Frog leaps into pond
Lotus blossoms fall to earth
Medic has girl's hair

The men in his unit called him 'The Bavarian Butcher'

Wear your loyalty like a brightly-colored noose around your neck.

Celebrate the life of Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna with this somber historical costume. Enjoy this replica of the fairy wings she wore while governing Russia from atop her hundred-foot-tall gumdrop throne.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

The perfect accessory for maintaining anonymity while stealing rings from midgets.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

Throughout the history of civilization, the white beard has come to symbolize wisdom and status. Show the world it's possible to be bearded AND stupid with this Heavy- and Soldier-specific face-nest. Shove it, civilization!

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Sometimes you just need a little less hat.

I kicked your ass so hard it went back in time and got me this VIKING HAT.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Remind those ungrateful bastards how valuable your Medic skills are by striking a heroic pose accompanied by an angelic choir, beams of divine light, and a flock of doves.

Here's the head of that hippie; Silas Mann - that you wanted - Saxton Hale

Though it looks like a simple ten-gallon hat, this modern feat of engineering actually contains more moving parts than a level 2 Sentry Gun.

Used to specify a loadout slot in blueprints

The good, the bad, and the dead.

The good, the bad, and the dead.