Throughout the history of civilization, the white beard has come to symbolize wisdom and status. Show the world it's possible to be bearded AND stupid with this Heavy- and Soldier-specific face-nest. Shove it, civilization!

Before Archimedes came into the Medic's care, he made his living through wedding dovery. A lucrative trade, but he always felt something was missing. He looks back on the day that the Medic stole that catering van during the prime minister's wedding as the best day of his life. He's been burrowing into the chests of unwitting patients ever since.

It'd be a damn shame to hide hair this handsome.

'If ye gaze upon one tome-themed badge this year, MAKE IT NOT THIS ONE!' - Merasmus the Magician'

Scare your friends into thinking you're carrying around deadly grenades. Bask in their relief when it turns out they're only harmless human skulls.

Amaze your friends! Impress women! Walk with a limp for life! It's grotesque!

Amaze your friends! Impress women! Walk with a limp for life! It's grotesque!

Being a maths-enhancing hairpiece that endeavors to heighten the senses of any soul, be he a gentle-man of leisure deserving of such a thing, or a loathsome tiller of the earth of whom a beating would not go unwarranted.

Being an invention that achieves the humanitarian goal of all great men of science, from Lord Holland to the Duke of Wellington, to allow a true gentle-man to smoke a pipe in space.

Hoist the mainsail! Buckle those swashes! Get into a swordfight! Pirate captains yell stuff like this all the time, and now you can too.

Hoist the mainsail! Buckle those swashes! Get into a swordfight! Pirate captains yell stuff like this all the time, and now you can too.

You're today's theme ingredient...

We gave peace a chance. It didn't work.

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

These steel-toed dogs were scientifically engineered (in a wind tunnel) by America's foremost authorities on mouth-kicking to perfectly fit the inside of an idiot's mouth.

For hundreds of years, women have enjoyed all the perks of being a witch (making potions, having warts, getting burned alive) while men stood on the sidelines. No longer! Break through that haunted glass ceiling with the Crone's Dome.

For the first time in history, batteries are included with your purchase of Demo's battery Bandolier. Because, well, you're purchasing batteries. We should have said, for the first time in history [except for all those times you bought batteries].

For the first time in history, batteries are included with your purchase of Demo's battery Bandolier. Because, well, you're purchasing batteries. We should have said, for the first time in history [except for all those times you bought batteries].

Demo is already a lot like Santa Claus. They both have extensive knowledge of modern explosives, they both hate Judy Garland, and now, they can both sport a charming beard and corn cob pipe.

One-eyed Scottish drunk
Dons his helmet for battle
Blacks out, misses war

Designed to inspire fear, the dragons this helm was based on were less than impressed.

This badge tracks your duel statistics.
Increase its level by winning duels!

Though it looks like a simple ten-gallon hat, this modern feat of engineering actually contains more moving parts than a level 2 Sentry Gun.

It's pants... Texas Style! These crotchless leather leggings are perfect if you already own pants. Note: To be used as auxiliary pants only. Please do not employ as primary source of pants.

Mock the sun with streaks of flame as the UV rays bounce harmlessly away from your eyeballs.

Being an executioner is a lot more than just killing people. Sometimes you get to torture them first. Tip: To make things interesting, why not torture someone until they yell the secret word? (Hint: the secret word is "Freedom".)

Great for kickin Creamy in the nuts!

Being a repository of the foundational ingredients necessary for a body to live a life of leisure in space—namely one part oxygen, one part mercury, and twelve parts laudanum.

Winds of Gravel Pit
Scout brings on his fan!
You are marked for death

Winds of Gravel Pit
Scout brings on his fan!
You are marked for death

Chop wood. Eat syrup. Live in Canada. This hat lets you do it all.

Toting around a 150-kilogram minigun gives those forearm muscles a nice workout. Show them off with these rolled-sleeved shirts, in your choice of argyle, lumberjack, rugby stripe or vertical pinstripe.

Give your teacher the gift of insight, paper clip and rubber band included.

Every time you fed a duck a breadcrumb, you were financing the Duck Mob. You're implicated. There's no going back now. Take this duck, go to the corner of 43rd, and enter the black Cadillac. When you meet the Don, don't make any jokes about horse heads. He hates that.

This incinerator's insulator keeps your head a perfect 105 degrees, while muffling the hallucinations brought on by wearing a hat that slowly cooks your brain.

This damaged capacitor seems to be fire-proof as well as broken. Is there anything it CAN'T do (besides work)?

This damaged capacitor seems to be fire-proof as well as broken. Is there anything it CAN'T do (besides work)?

Slay-bells will be ringing in the slow-roasted ears of your burn victims.

Break news, spirits and heads.

Start off with low health
Kill somebody with this knife
Steal all of their health

Start off with low health
Kill somebody with this knife
Steal all of their health

Start off with low health
Kill somebody with this knife
Steal all of their health

Left 4 You.

Players heal 60% of the damage done
to an enemy covered with milk.

Players heal 60% of the damage done
to an enemy covered with milk.

Players heal 60% of the damage done
to an enemy covered with milk.

Players heal 60% of the damage done
to an enemy covered with milk.

An invincibility mask made by the Ancients. It hasn't worked in a long, long time.

The best part of fighting a robot army is you get to salvage all of their destroyed body parts for fun new accessories. Take the Medic Mech-pack! What a fine looking number. It's a good thing robots don't have souls, or they'd be mighty angry that we're using their body parts as cosmetic items!

The best part of fighting a robot army is you get to salvage all of their destroyed body parts for fun new accessories. Take the Medic Mech-pack! What a fine looking number. It's a good thing robots don't have souls, or they'd be mighty angry that we're using their body parts as cosmetic items!

This compact medical equipment bag makes the perfect accessory for the doctor on the go. Treat patients out of doors, in the fresh unsterile air of the battlefield.

Technically, field medics are protected as noncombatants under the Geneva Convention. The next time you get shot be sure to tell your killer. It's a conversation starter!

Technically, field medics are protected as noncombatants under the Geneva Convention. The next time you get shot be sure to tell your killer. It's a conversation starter!

Technically, field medics are protected as noncombatants under the Geneva Convention. The next time you get shot be sure to tell your killer. It's a conversation starter!

Scrub in... things are about to get messy.

In the time it takes you to read this description, I've already ubered a heavy, captured your base, solved a crime, and smoked three pipes.

Made from genuine German rabbit fur, this military-grade trappers' hat makes the perfect complement to the Officer's Ushanka. Let the officer in your life know you'll always be right behind them, with a Medigun at the ready and a matching wardrobe.

Made from genuine German rabbit fur, this military-grade trappers' hat makes the perfect complement to the Officer's Ushanka. Let the officer in your life know you'll always be right behind them, with a Medigun at the ready and a matching wardrobe.

Because a Gentleman is not one without one.

Because a Gentleman is not one without one.

Your Mann Up progress through Operation Steel Trap is saved on this badge.

Your Mann Up progress through Operation Mecha Engine is saved on this badge.

Your Mann Up progress through Operation Gear Grinder is saved on this badge.

Your Mann Up progress through Operation Oil Spill is saved on this badge.

Present this ticket in Mann vs. Machine to play Mann Up Mode on an official server to earn rare items and track progress on your Tour of Duty Badge.

Present this ticket in Mann vs. Machine to play Mann Up Mode on an official server to earn rare items and track progress on your Tour of Duty Badge.

Dress up your respirator to trick people into thinking you're a delusional maniac living in a fantasy world!

Your enemies will clap in delight at the cartoonish innocence of these old-timey bombs, making it that much sweeter when you blow their arms off.

This duffel comes with leather straps so all your money doesn't fall out. The leather straps also don't tighten all the way, so some money WILL fall out, and ladies will know how rich you are. (Answer: Very. Also handsome.)

This hat commemorates that time you stuck it on a broom and tricked the Feds into shooting at it for an hour while you scooted off with all that bank money. Goes great with all those bullet wounds in your torso from that time you pulled the same trick on much smarter Feds.

Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

Being a revolutionary appliance capable of awakening the fire element phlogiston that exists in all combustible creatures, which is to say, all of them.

Being a revolutionary appliance capable of awakening the fire element phlogiston that exists in all combustible creatures, which is to say, all of them.

Being an innovative hand-held irradiating utensil capable of producing rapid pulses of high-amplitude radiation in sufficient quantity as to immolate, maim and otherwise incapacitate the Irish.

Heads will roll.

Any day can be the Fourth of July if you just believe. It also helps if you have a bag of fireworks – like the Pyrotechnic Tote - you can set off to distract people when they try to tell you that you can't take the day off to eat hot dogs and get drunk at the park. Is this not America, Samuel? Do we not have the freedom to vomit in our own shoes?

Did you know that fire can melt metal? Like, say you were fighting an army of robots. You could melt them! With fire! It's true! Just a fun little fact we learned today. We don't really see any practical application for the information, but it's good to learn.

Help your enemies celebrate Day of the Dead by wearing this hat and then killing them.

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

This impermeable, gas-tight hood keeps your head at a comfortable 350-degree temperature throughout the day. The tinted visor lets you sweat off that unsightly face fat in the privacy of your own sweltering hell.

The most distinguished tape-on fire-retardant facial hair available, for the discerning gentleman of conflagration.

Your BFFs (enemies) will turn their frowns upside down (confront their own mortality) as they dance a merry jig to (run in terror from) these cheery tunes (soul-destroying funeral dirges). (Equips Pyrovision.)

Skip past all the boring busywork of science and get right to the exciting part: the fabulous prizes! This prestigious ribbon certifies your bravery in the field of excellence.

There we were, assembling some collars, when we thought, "Yes, they're cool. But what's missing?" That's when we realized: lots of sharp bits welded onto the round bits.

This Do-It-Yourself Mann Co. painting set comes with samples of a few different colors that are, legally-speaking, absolutely, definitely not giving off toxic fumes.

Elegant simplicity and old-world charm combine with the intoxicating aromas of methyl alcohol and gasoline. Do not wear in unventilated areas.

Elegant simplicity and old-world charm combine with the intoxicating aromas of methyl alcohol and gasoline. Do not wear in unventilated areas.

This humble hat pile of one tells the world that there are more important things in life than money. Like for instance not having any.

Don't let the name fool you: These aren't actual battery canteens capable of converting stored chemical energy into electrical energy. They're just regular canteens that look identical to your water canteen and are filled with battery acid.

Don't let the name fool you: These aren't actual battery canteens capable of converting stored chemical energy into electrical energy. They're just regular canteens that look identical to your water canteen and are filled with battery acid.

Don't let the name fool you: These aren't actual battery canteens capable of converting stored chemical energy into electrical energy. They're just regular canteens that look identical to your water canteen and are filled with battery acid.

Don't let the name fool you: These aren't actual battery canteens capable of converting stored chemical energy into electrical energy. They're just regular canteens that look identical to your water canteen and are filled with battery acid.

Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics state that 1. Robots can't harm humans and 2. Robots must obey humans, and 3. This hat looks great.

Remember that time you met the wisest robot in the world? And tore his beard off and stole his stupid pipe? Because the police are here and they want to talk to you.

Remember that time you met the wisest robot in the world? And tore his beard off and stole his stupid pipe? Because the police are here and they want to talk to you.

One little-known fact about parrots: They WILL peck a hole through a human pirate skull. But they can't peck through solid steel. And if they try? This baby's electrified to the tune of 10,000 volts. Your move, parrots.

Witch-hunting: necessary, but time-consuming. What if we told you you could burn up to five witches a day without lifting a finger? Introducing the Pure Tin Capotain, the greatest time-saving invention since the electric can opener.

This nitrogen-cooled liquor locker can only be opened by punching in its constantly evolving polyalphabetic stream cipher, or with the big metal key scotch taped to the bottom.

Own this one-of-a-kind piece of memorabilia from the classic ‘70s film "Blaxton Hale vs. Black HAL 9000".

Own this one-of-a-kind piece of memorabilia from the classic ‘70s film "Blaxton Hale vs. Black HAL 9000".

Own this one-of-a-kind piece of memorabilia from the classic ‘70s film "Blaxton Hale vs. Black HAL 9000".

Own this one-of-a-kind piece of memorabilia from the classic ‘70s film "Blaxton Hale vs. Black HAL 9000".

This brimless bonnet cap comes equipped with a satellite pom-pom that streams up-to-the-minute news relevant to the on-the-go Scotsman (golf scores, whiskey prices, when "Braveheart" is on).

Bundled with a broad selection of eyeball-related movies ("Eyes Wide Shut", "The Hills Have Eyes, Part II" and three more) that your friends can enjoy from the comfort of your face.

Beep boop! I am Old Railsplitter! Welcome to the Hall of Robopresidents! I did my homework on the back of a shovel! Now I must kill all humans with a shovel because I just now became sentient! Beep boop kill all humans!

If you pause that big fight scene in the classic film "Swinging Fists of Future Hercules", you can tell that's not actually famous robot actor Kirk RoboDouglas, but a cyborg stuntman. Support the unsung heroes of the silver-plated screen with this limited edition stunt helmet.

Robo-future history comes alive! Pretend you're a grizzled, cantankerous robot prospector, drunk on teeny-tiny shots of nano-whiskey in the Olllld Cyber-West during the Great Battery Rush of 3047.

If you're a rugged coal miner like us, you know the value of throwing away your mining equipment and mining in the nude so people know how tough you are. Finally there's a version for the office worker to not wear while nudely analyzing spreadsheets.

Most hats are made of felt, canvas or other non-durable cloths that decompose after a mere 10,000 years. The Timeless Topper's built for the long haul, with an outer layer of scrap titanium and an inner core of plastic bags, foam cups and disposable diapers.

Most hats are made of felt, canvas or other non-durable cloths that decompose after a mere 10,000 years. The Timeless Topper's built for the long haul, with an outer layer of scrap titanium and an inner core of plastic bags, foam cups and disposable diapers.

Most hats are made of felt, canvas or other non-durable cloths that decompose after a mere 10,000 years. The Timeless Topper's built for the long haul, with an outer layer of scrap titanium and an inner core of plastic bags, foam cups and disposable diapers.

This tiny robotic bear used to be the President. Now he lives in your pocket. How could the mighty have fallen so far? [makes drinking gesture] Glug glug wink wink.

It's a historical fact that in cowboy times, cloth was hard to come by. Creative cowpokes kept the sun out of their eyes by making hats out of what they had in abundance: sheet-metal trees and bolt cactuses.

Sure, regular towels work fine for water, but what if you're covered in magnets? What's your regular towel doing for you now? Watching you slowly die of magnetism, that's what.

Scientists have long been baffled by the seamless metal construction of Native American grass houses and wigwams. The secret? Native Americans were filled with gasoline, and could reach a welding flame temperature of 3100 °C.

Commemorate history's greatest robot Canadians with this knitted steel cap. Former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau! Optimus Prime Minister! Commander Data from the hit CBC drama Deep Space Prince Edward Island!

Mecha-Medes first appeared in Archimedes' Flights of Fantasy #314 when Archimedes accidentally fell off a table into a parallel world, met his robot double, ate some seeds, squawked in terror at a half-buried Statue of Liberty, then flew into a patio door.

Whether you're a 17th century plague doctor, a professional wrestler, or a waiter at a plague-themed family restaurant, this hat lets you look the part while delivering last rites, a Tombstone Piledriver and/or plate after plate of bacon-wrapped jalapeño poppers.

Just like steampunk ruined reading, the steampipe destroys the harmless pleasure of smoking by tarting it up with a lot of bolts and dials and Nikolai Teslas. Comes with period-appropriate Gary Oldman Dracula glasses!

Just like steampunk ruined reading, the steampipe destroys the harmless pleasure of smoking by tarting it up with a lot of bolts and dials and Nikolai Teslas. Comes with period-appropriate Gary Oldman Dracula glasses!

Just like steampunk ruined reading, the steampipe destroys the harmless pleasure of smoking by tarting it up with a lot of bolts and dials and Nikolai Teslas. Comes with period-appropriate Gary Oldman Dracula glasses!

Just like steampunk ruined reading, the steampipe destroys the harmless pleasure of smoking by tarting it up with a lot of bolts and dials and Nikolai Teslas. Comes with period-appropriate Gary Oldman Dracula glasses!

This medical marvel improves on the obsolete doctor's head mirror by replacing the mirror part with a 10,000 watt lamp part that can be seen from space. Peer inside your patients' disease-riddled ears, noses and throats from a safe distance.

Invented by Nikolai Tesla in any one of his ten million appearances in crappy steampunk fiction, probably.

Meet the robot apocalypse in style with this puckish number, perfect for infiltrating the sentient mother computer located in the Swiss pavilion at Epcot Center.

Meet the robot apocalypse in style with this puckish number, perfect for infiltrating the sentient mother computer located in the Swiss pavilion at Epcot Center.

You love the hard-hitting Robin Williams/Nathan Lane bird prison drama "The Birdcage" so much you wish you could be thinking about it all the time. The problem: Life's many distractions. The solution: This.

You love the hard-hitting Robin Williams/Nathan Lane bird prison drama "The Birdcage" so much you wish you could be thinking about it all the time. The problem: Life's many distractions. The solution: This.

"And it seems to me you lived your life / with a lightbulb in your head / wishing you had cleaned the hole / as the cephalic tetanus spread." – Elton John (words by Bernie Taupin)

"And it seems to me you lived your life / with a lightbulb in your head / wishing you had cleaned the hole / as the cephalic tetanus spread." – Elton John (words by Bernie Taupin)

"And it seems to me you lived your life / with a lightbulb in your head / wishing you had cleaned the hole / as the cephalic tetanus spread." – Elton John (words by Bernie Taupin)

"And it seems to me you lived your life / with a lightbulb in your head / wishing you had cleaned the hole / as the cephalic tetanus spread." – Elton John (words by Bernie Taupin)

Is your Pyro made up of alternating current or direct current? Only your electrician knows for sure!

Learn the secret that firefighters guard fiercely: There is no better hat to wear while entering a burning building than a metal hat. Why? The metal will absorb 100% of the heat, leaving your bare skin cool and refreshed, probably.

Learn the secret that firefighters guard fiercely: There is no better hat to wear while entering a burning building than a metal hat. Why? The metal will absorb 100% of the heat, leaving your bare skin cool and refreshed, probably.

Are you the personification of death? Do you need to spraypaint something indoors? This skull-shaped rebreather has you covered.

Learn plumbing by osmosis with this handy Home Plumber's Kit! Comes with pipe, length of wire.

Concerned about your many stalkers going through your garbage while you're at work? Rest easy with the Scrap Sack, which lets you keep an eye on your secret-filled trash at all times.

Concerned about your many stalkers going through your garbage while you're at work? Rest easy with the Scrap Sack, which lets you keep an eye on your secret-filled trash at all times.

When that robot selflessly gave you its hand, it assumed you'd study it to advance the field of prosthetic medicine. Sucker. Hey, everybody check me out! I'm a metal chicken! Beep beep gobble boop!

When that robot selflessly gave you its hand, it assumed you'd study it to advance the field of prosthetic medicine. Sucker. Hey, everybody check me out! I'm a metal chicken! Beep beep gobble boop!

These digital eye implants will let you check the weather, monitor the stock market and look up cures for infection caused by jamming unclean hunks of metal into your eye sockets.

These digital eye implants will let you check the weather, monitor the stock market and look up cures for infection caused by jamming unclean hunks of metal into your eye sockets.

They came from outer space. And they came to conquer. It was the perfect space crime. But there's just one problem. YOU. "The Metal Slug". Rated R. This Friday. On your HEAD.

Friends and loved ones will call you stupid for wearing this hat. "Hey, moron!" your mother will say. But they won't think it's so funny when you win the Backwards Swimming competition at the Olympics, and are later stripped of your medal for cheating.

It's as if this hat fell off the tiny metal head of a dirt-stained urchinbot selling robonewspapers in 1899 Mecha-London, rolled through a time tunnel and into your modern backpack.

That item was originally a make-believe superhero accessory tie-in to an imaginary soft drink enjoyed by a fictional character. Now it's also made of metal. There are so many layers of abstraction going on here even we don't know what to make of it.

That item was originally a make-believe superhero accessory tie-in to an imaginary soft drink enjoyed by a fictional character. Now it's also made of metal. There are so many layers of abstraction going on here even we don't know what to make of it.

That item was originally a make-believe superhero accessory tie-in to an imaginary soft drink enjoyed by a fictional character. Now it's also made of metal. There are so many layers of abstraction going on here even we don't know what to make of it.

In 1792, Italian physicist Alessandro Volta invented the battery by mixing zinc, ammonium chloride and molten salt together. In 1932, American soft drink magnate Theophilus Bonk added sugar to this mixture and invented Bonk Cola.

It's inevitable that robot hot dog hats will someday become the most popular fashion accessory on the planet. And when they do, everyone will claim they liked them "before they were cool." Thanks to the Bot Dogger, only YOU will be able to prove it.

It's inevitable that robot hot dog hats will someday become the most popular fashion accessory on the planet. And when they do, everyone will claim they liked them "before they were cool." Thanks to the Bot Dogger, only YOU will be able to prove it.

It's inevitable that robot hot dog hats will someday become the most popular fashion accessory on the planet. And when they do, everyone will claim they liked them "before they were cool." Thanks to the Bot Dogger, only YOU will be able to prove it.

Comes with x-ray specs that let you see through people's clothes while alerting them with a siren and shouted warnings that you're doing it. Great for prison aficionados who want to go to jail but don't know how.

Comes with x-ray specs that let you see through people's clothes while alerting them with a siren and shouted warnings that you're doing it. Great for prison aficionados who want to go to jail but don't know how.

This safari helmet was welded together from actual blood-spattered scraps of jeeps, rifles, shells and fillings discovered at the mauling sites of previous safaris. Wear it as a constant reminder never to do anything as stupid as go on safari.

Karate masters WANT you to think there's no belt higher than black. But what if we told you there was a secret metal belt ABOVE black that lets you kick a black belt's ass all over the place? Scared black belt guys have been trying to keep a lid on this for years.

What is your major malfunction, Private Robot? You had best defrag yourself or I will unscrew your head, access the CPU in your neck and fix your major malfunction!

What is your major malfunction, Private Robot? You had best defrag yourself or I will unscrew your head, access the CPU in your neck and fix your major malfunction!

Combining the sublime pageantry of Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker" with the bold futurism of Tchaikovsky's "Robot Nutcracker vs. Tarzan".

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Other times it is a sparkplug. Sometimes it is a boot. The important thing is that you have something in your mouth that is on fire.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Other times it is a sparkplug. Sometimes it is a boot. The important thing is that you have something in your mouth that is on fire.

This hat kicks your ass so hard you'll fly into an alternate dimension where Vikings are robots. Deal with it!

This hat kicks your ass so hard you'll fly into an alternate dimension where Vikings are robots. Deal with it!

Robo-impersonate your favorite fictional bowler-hatted characters, from Batman's Riddler to Clockwork Orange's Alex to England's Winston Churchill.

Robo-impersonate your favorite fictional bowler-hatted characters, from Batman's Riddler to Clockwork Orange's Alex to England's Winston Churchill.

Robo-impersonate your favorite fictional bowler-hatted characters, from Batman's Riddler to Clockwork Orange's Alex to England's Winston Churchill.

Robo-impersonate your favorite fictional bowler-hatted characters, from Batman's Riddler to Clockwork Orange's Alex to England's Winston Churchill.

Robo-impersonate your favorite fictional bowler-hatted characters, from Batman's Riddler to Clockwork Orange's Alex to England's Winston Churchill.

Trick your friends into thinking your enormous metal hat is a smaller, different hat. If this was actually illegal it would be the PERFECT CRIME.

Trick your friends into thinking your enormous metal hat is a smaller, different hat. If this was actually illegal it would be the PERFECT CRIME.

Great for taking pictures of all the sexy make-outs you're going to have now that you've got a robot beard. If there's anything ladies find more irresistible, write in and tell us and we'll bolt it onto this perpetual make-out machine.

Your enemies will think you're making peace, right up until the terrifying moment that their hand is very seriously cut! Here's the trick: It's a broken bottle!

Your enemies will think you're making peace, right up until the terrifying moment that their hand is very seriously cut! Here's the trick: It's a broken bottle!

You dasher! You dancer! You prancer! You VIXEN! Pull Santa's sleigh all by yourself, you sexy little man.

Extra! Extra! You're frickin' dead!

You'd think this robot cap would slow Scout down, but he's actually just as fast! It's all that milk he drinks. You didn't expect this item to be a thinly veiled milk advertisement, did you? We're full of surprises today. Just wait until you try to go to sleep tonight! Ohhh boy!

Straight outta control point.

Walkin' down the street to the hardcore beat while his Mann Co. boom vibrates the concrete.

If you close an eye, one of the teams will disappear. So don't do that.

Possibly the result of pigmentation loss due to horrible experiments. Possibly a mop of some kind.

Stick it to Major League Baseball by not wearing their hat the right way.

Read a book – or at least look like you can – with this vintage educational ensemble. Be the B.M.O.C. (Big Mouth on Campus) of your own make-believe Ivy League!

For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.

For a brief stint in high school, Scout joined the track team in one of his many schemes to pick up girls. He was kicked off the team after three days when everyone realized he was 23-years-old and also not enrolled in the school.

Everyone knows laughter is the best medicine. But did you know that laughter is also the best disguise? No? Well, good thing you're not a cop infiltrating the Chinese mafia, then. Oh wait you are. AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD. Look, rookie, these glasses are hilarious.

Ask any daredevil what they strap onto their heads before getting shot out of a cannon and the answer will be the same: a glassy, unfocused stare from years of head trauma. Head trauma that could have been prevented with this sharp-looking crash helmet.

Ask any daredevil what they strap onto their heads before getting shot out of a cannon and the answer will be the same: a glassy, unfocused stare from years of head trauma. Head trauma that could have been prevented with this sharp-looking crash helmet.

Show Chinese organized crime gangs who's boss by wearing their cool tattoos without actually participating in any of their totally illegal criminal conspiracies! Note: DO NOT actually show your new tattoo to ANYONE in a Chinese organized crime gang.

Just a like the Soldier's actual grenades, these shiny glass baubles are purely ornamental.

Just a like the Soldier's actual grenades, these shiny glass baubles are purely ornamental.

A hat says things about its wearer. Fedoras? Mystery, danger, and hard drinking cool. Deerstalkers? Pipe smoking, cunning, and raw intellect. The Bolted Bushman will show your friends and foes alike that you are steely, hard and... full of bolts we guess. You know what, some hats only need to say two things.

This is the best hat. We couldn't say it if it weren't true. This one's the best.

This hat does not in any way, shape, or form, promote smoking or gambling.

The great thing about this helmet is that it stops bullets (no it doesn't)! Look at it – it's made of robot metal! Bullets can't go through robot metal (they definitely can)! There really is no way you could be harmed while wearing this helmet (there absolutely is).

I kicked your ass so hard it went back in time and got me this VIKING HAT.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, as is the case with this hand-rolled Soldier cigar, it's gravel, manure, human hair, and taco seasoning wrapped up in old band-aids.

A nameless hat for a nameless man.

A Haiku for war.
To defeat one's enemies.
Honor the crocket.

With buff, some damage
Dished out by nearby teammates
Comes back as healing

With buff, some damage
Dished out by nearby teammates
Comes back as healing

Do the snow-pants dance with this stylish holiday ensemble from famed Arctic designer Kristoff Kringle.

Do the snow-pants dance with this stylish holiday ensemble from famed Arctic designer Kristoff Kringle.

'Do no harm.'

Humorously vellicating vitreous.

Get these now, before Glenn Danzig finds out about them and buys them all! Seriously, you can have a world where these spooky sleeves are in stock, or a world where Glenn Danzig exists, but not both! Hurry! He's googling "spooky sleeves" RIGHT NOW!

You wouldn't mind if I read this top secret document with my beard, would you?

Has back-stabbing lost its charm? Is sneaking too simple? Try wearing this 15 pound metal hat on your head! Enjoy the meta-challenge of keeping your neck from snapping as you sap sentries! This is spine-crushing entertainment!

This hat is a spy.

Chain-smoking Frenchman
Skulks in shadows, then attacks
Terrifying mask

Wee! It's summer! We're having fun!
AH GOD IT'S BOLTED TO HIS HEAD!

This bag contains one free item from the Mann Co. store! You can open it from your backpack!

This bag contains one free item from the Mann Co. store! You can open it from your backpack!

This bag contains one free item from the Mann Co. store! You can open it from your backpack!

This bag contains one free item from the Mann Co. store! You can open it from your backpack!

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of burning allies you extinguish with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of burning allies you extinguish with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of burning allies you extinguish with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of burning allies you extinguish with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of burning allies you extinguish with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of enemies you kill while they are carrying the intel, pushing the cart, or capturing a point.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon will enable it to track the number of Pyros you kill with that weapon.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Robots you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Robots you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Robots you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Robots you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Robots you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Tanks you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

Adding this Strange Part to a Strange-quality weapon of your choice will enable it to track the number of invading Tanks you destroy with it in Mann-vs-Machine games.

These are famous.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

You need a Mann Co. Supply Crate Key to open this.
You can pick one up at the Mann Co. Store.

Changes the name of an item in your backpack

Changes the name of an item in your backpack

Changes the name of an item in your backpack

Changes the name of an item in your backpack

Share a good natured laugh with everyone except that one guy you just shot.

Our lawyers say 'YES! YES!'

Our lawyers say 'YES! YES!'

Step into the headgear and facial hair of America's favorite aviator/filmmaker/toenail-and-Jarate collector with this hotshot aviator hat and rakish movie star moustache.

Provides a defensive buff that protects
nearby team members from crits
and blocks 35% of incoming damage.
Rage increases through damage taken.

Provides a defensive buff that protects
nearby team members from crits
and blocks 35% of incoming damage.
Rage increases through damage taken.

The perfect winter accessory for those times when your holiday fun escalates into a high-casualty firefight. 90% more blood-absorbent than any other scarf on the market!

Just because you're an unknowable enigma doesn't mean you shouldn't bundle up. Remember what your mom told you... if you even HAVE one, you inscrutable person of mystery!

Being a boon to tree-fellers, backwoodsmen and atom-splitters the world over, this miraculous matter-hewing device burns each individual molecule as it cleaves it.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to open locked supply crates.

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

Used to wrap other items for gifting.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items.

Used to paint other items the color of your current team.

Used to paint other items the color of your current team.

Used to paint other items the color of your current team.

Used to paint other items the color of your current team.

Used to paint other items the color of your current team.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Used to open locked RoboCrates.

Frostbite of the ears halts blood flow, and leads to tissue death, gangrene, and infection. And nobody wants to look at your gangrenous infected ears. Cover up those frostbitten abominations with these stylish earmuffs.

Earned by completing 15 objectives in 'The Great Steam Treasure Hunt'

Splash the pot with all you got.

Named after the famous Badlands sprinter who set a land speed record for sleeping with other men's wives. Turner designed the shoes to escape angry mobs of husbands, but sadly could not outrun diabetes. Both his feet were later amputated.

Capes are worn by only the most prestigious individuals. Kings. Dracula. Teenagers pretending they're wizards. Now you can join their illustrious ranks with this King of Scotland Cape. Wear it with pride, and make those prepubescents proud.

The K-9 mane is perfect for tricky social situations. People will either only want to talk about the hat, which means they'll be distracted from that rash making its way up your jugular, or they'll avoid you altogether. It's a win/win!

Discover the exciting world of the samurai! Speak quickly and angrily! Grow facial hair! Maybe if you kill another samurai and apologize after, you'll get to date his wife! The possibilities are endless!

Take manual control of your Sentry Gun

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

While under the effects, +25% movement speed and damage done and damage taken will be mini-crits.

Improves upon Mother Nature's original
design for volcanos by increasing portability.
Modern science is unable to explain exactly
where the lava is coming from.

Spiky end goes into other man.

Spiky end goes into other man.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

The good, the bad, and the dead.

Provides an offensive buff that causes
nearby team members to do mini-crits.

Getting hit by a fish has got to be humiliating.

A special no-damage rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage rocket launcher for learning
rocket jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

A special no-damage stickybomb launcher for learning stickybomb jump tricks and patterns.

Celebrate Canada's birthday, on whatever day that happens, with this commemorative Canadian Prime Minister's ceremonial dress hat.

The perfect accessory for maintaining anonymity while stealing rings from midgets.

If aliens ever invaded Badlands and used their special alien powers to make all of our heads look like alien heads, this is a scientifically accurate representation of what Pyro would look like. We tried doing similar mock-ups with the rest of the TF team, but we finished one of Heavy and haven't stopped crying and vomiting long enough to do the other ones.

Winds of Gravel Pit
Scout brings on his fan!
You are marked for death

Only for those with manly adductor halluci.

This shoulder-mounted feathered friend comes in any color you like, and is so full of whiskey it couldn't fly off if it wanted to. Great to have around if you decide to eat it—just turn your head and bite!

Even with a red beard, he is still one sexy mofo!