There's been a terrible explosion at the hot dog factory! That's what you can tell people, and they'll believe you because you will look like an expert on hot dogs.

Show Chinese organized crime gangs who's boss by wearing their cool tattoos without actually participating in any of their totally illegal criminal conspiracies! Note: DO NOT actually show your new tattoo to ANYONE in a Chinese organized crime gang.

Give your teacher the gift of insight, paper clip and rubber band included.

And kill, and break, and smash, and bite. Mainly maim, though.

Show Chinese organized crime gangs who's boss by wearing their cool tattoos without actually participating in any of their totally illegal criminal conspiracies! Note: DO NOT actually show your new tattoo to ANYONE in a Chinese organized crime gang.

Being an executioner is a lot more than just killing people. Sometimes you get to torture them first. Tip: To make things interesting, why not torture someone until they yell the secret word? (Hint: the secret word is "Freedom".)

Give your teacher the gift of insight, paper clip and rubber band included.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes, as is the case with this hand-rolled Soldier cigar, it's gravel, manure, human hair, and taco seasoning wrapped up in old band-aids.

Protect the all-important empty socket part of your face while giving enemies an irresistible target: unimportant exposed parts like your mouth, nose and generally all the non-socket parts of your face.

Show enthusiasm! For your favorite things!

Custom decals can be applied to this item.

This shoulder-mounted feathered friend comes in any color you like, and is so full of whiskey it couldn't fly off if it wanted to. Great to have around if you decide to eat it—just turn your head and bite!

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

Give your teacher the gift of insight, paper clip and rubber band included.

This fur-lined coat/sweater combo comes with Mann Co.'s guarantee that, as with all of our products, at least three endangered species went extinct during the making of this product. Note: fur is synthetic.

Applies a bonus effect for a limited amount of time when used. Must first be filled at an Upgrade Station and can only be filled with one bonus type at a time.

The handle of this hand-forged survival knife is crammed with all of the things you'll need to survive in the wilderness, i.e. a pack of matches and three raisins.

Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.

Humorously vellicating vitreous.

They say justice is blind. What they don't tell you is that justice is also invisible, and also less interested in justice than murder.

A gentleman always has a flower handy to drop on an opponent's grave.

Keep one eye on your enemy and
the other one on everything else.

Little known fact: cats are fantastic engineers. Go ahead and ask about it next time you see one. In case you don't speak feline, "meow" means "that cantilever is deflected over its g-type joist girder." It's probably going to say that a lot.