Project P
Items with counts as assister is some kind of pet this update is going to be awesome attached
The Prize Plushy
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
No more carnival games for you! Why buy three throws for a dollar and a chance to win a prize plushy for your paramour when you can just get one from the source and carry it around with you wherever you go!
The Balloonicorn
Level 20 Balloon
Oh my goodness! Is it Balloonicorn? The Mayor of Pyroland? Don't be ridiculous, we're talking about an inflatable unicorn. He's the Municipal Ombudsman. Between you and me, Balloonicorn's a joke down at City Hall. Gary Brottman, the inflatable Sewer Superintendent, is sleeping with Balloonicorn's wife. Anyway, when he's riding around on your shoulder don't mention ANY of this to him, because Balloonicorn is on a hair trigger and he's usually pretty drunk.
  • On Equip: Visit Pyroland
  • Only visible in Pyroland
Chucklenuts
Level 1-100 Mascot
The Carious Chameleon
Level 1-100 Undead Pet
Guano
Level 1-100 Spooky Companion
Pocket Medic
Level 15 Pocket Buddy
Keep little healing man close.
Hat of Undeniable Wealth And Respect
Level 28 Hat
Earned by completing 28 objectives in 'The Great Steam Treasure Hunt.' Beware the Cephalopod padlock.
  • Style: H.O.U.W.A.R.
  • Styles: H.O.U.W.A.R., Treasure Hat, Bounty Hat
Teddy Roosebelt
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
A cute, plushy pocket buddy.
Aw, he even has his own hat!
Mecha-Medes
Level 1-100 Mascot
Mecha-Medes first appeared in Archimedes' Flights of Fantasy #314 when Archimedes accidentally fell off a table into a parallel world, met his robot double, ate some seeds, squawked in terror at a half-buried Statue of Liberty, then flew into a patio door.
Li'l Snaggletooth
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
'When I grow up, I want to be a hat.' -Li'l Snaggletooth
The Larval Lid
Level 1-100 Hat
Ein
Level 1-100 Mascot
Triboniophorus Tyrannus
Level 1-100 Hat
At least he's still telling you to burn things.
The Pocket Horsemann
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
The Little Bear
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Make sure the contents of your pockets are distributed fairly with the latest in Communist pocket enforcement.
Carrion Companion
Level 1-100 Undead Pet
Quoth
Level 1-100 Spooky Companion
Tux
Level 1-100 Mascot
Linux represent!
  • Style: Normal
  • Styles: Normal, Demoman, Pyro
  • Untradable
The Dead Little Buddy
Level 20 Ghost
Take a hike, dogs--there's a new Man's Best Friend on the market. Your pet ghost is guaranteed to be loyal (he's dead! He doesn't know anybody else!), great around children (he used to be one!), and house-trained (ghosts don't poop).
Archimedes
Level 1-100 Mascot
Before Archimedes came into the Medic's care, he made his living through wedding dovery. A lucrative trade, but he always felt something was missing. He looks back on the day that the Medic stole that catering van during the prime minister's wedding as the best day of his life. He's been burrowing into the chests of unwitting patients ever since.
The Koala Compact
Level 1-100 Satchel
Watch as your enemies quake in fear at the sight of this tiny koala! Hear them scream at his horrifying little hat! Smell them reel in alarm at how deviously small it is! Warning: You may not be able to stand the terror yourself!
  • Style: Twins
  • Styles: Twins, Poor and Irish
The Pocket Purrer
Level 1-100 Satchel
Little known fact: cats are fantastic engineers. Go ahead and ask about it next time you see one. In case you don't speak feline, "meow" means "that cantilever is deflected over its g-type joist girder." It's probably going to say that a lot.
The Red Army Robin
Level 1-100 Mascot
"Is tiny bird. Is adorable. TELL BIRD HE IS PRETTY!"
Catastrophic Companions
Level 1-100 Mascot
The Birdcage
Level 10 Hat
Everyone will wonder what the secret meaning of this mysterious hat is. The secret is you're an idiot.
The Unknown Monkeynaut
Level 20 Ghost
Have an actual ghost of Mann Co.'s first doomed monkeynaut expedition haunt your shoulder! Unlike the many other doomed monkeynaut expeditions undertaken by Mann Co., Operation Banana Catapult was unique in that no space shuttles were even used.
The Boo Balloon
Level 20 Balloon
These cheery (but terrifying!) balloons are made from the actual inflated faces of ghosts. Order now, before those uppity ghost rights activists get wind of this and shut it down.
  • Style: Haunting
  • Styles: Haunting, Please Help, Hey Guys, What's Going On?, Bone Party
Sir Hootsalot
Level 1-100 Mascot
If owls are so smart, why did this one let you glue it to your shoulder? Come to think of it, neither one of you is looking like a super-genius on this one.
  • Style: Wilderness
  • Styles: Wilderness, Snowy
The Scrap Pack
Level 1-100 Robot
Why let your front have all the fun? Add more junk to the upper part of your trunk with this selection from the finest junkyards in Paris.
The Steel Songbird
Level 1-100 Mascot
It gets pretty quiet in that sniper's nest. Why not treat yourself to the haunting rhythmic symphony of bolts being constantly pooped by this mute, easily terrified incontinent bird?
The Reindoonicorn
Level 20 Balloon
Tenth Most Famous Reindeer? Not for long! Reindoonicorn may have hit rock bottom after being benched in favor of a mutant with a bioluminescent growth on his nose, but those decades spent bouncing from one halfway house to the next have given him all the grit and determination he needs to get back on top! That and the fact that he's recently been seen hanging around with nine heavily armed lunatics practically guarantees that this is one reindeer to watch out for.
  • On Equip: Visit Pyroland
  • Only visible in Pyroland
The Cremator's Conscience
Level 15 Conscience
'Burn him with fire!' 'No, burn him with fire, then hit him with an axe!'
Pocket Villains
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Pocket Heavy
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Late Summer 2014 Limited Community Cosmetic
Hillbilly Speed-Bump
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Late Summer 2014 Limited Community Cosmetic
The Metal Slug
Level 1-100 Hat
They came from outer space. And they came to conquer. It was the perfect space crime. But there's just one problem. YOU. "The Metal Slug". Rated R. This Friday. On your HEAD.
Teddy Robobelt
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
This tiny robotic bear used to be the President. Now he lives in your pocket. How could the mighty have fallen so far? [makes drinking gesture] Glug glug wink wink.
Alien Swarm Parasite
Level 20 Hat
This cute little guy was once the scourge of humanity in another time and place. Now he's content to ride on your head and keep the sun off.
The Bird-Man of Aberdeen
Level 1-100 Mascot
This shoulder-mounted feathered friend comes in any color you like, and is so full of whiskey it couldn't fly off if it wanted to. Great to have around if you decide to eat it—just turn your head and bite!
  • Style: Essential
  • Styles: Essential, Distinguished, Imbued
The Pocket Raiders
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
  • Style: Lara
  • Styles: Lara, Carter, Horus, Isis
Polly Putrid
Level 1-100 Undead Pet
Lieutenant Bites
Level 1-100 Mascot
Hobbies: contracting rabies, giving people rabies. Favorite foods: spoiled sour cream rations, arm meat.
Grim Tweeter
Level 1-100 Mascot
The Cobber Chameleon
Level 1-100 Mascot
"This little fellah's the perfect snipin' companion. He's quiet, he's camouflaged, and if you get hungry, you can eat 'im."
Archimedes the Undying
Level 1-100 Undead Pet
The Pocket Pyro
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Loneliness is the world's deadliest silent killer. Next to carbon monoxide. But cuddle up to this adorable firebug, hold your breath, and you'll be free to concentrate on loud killers like car crashes and Freddy Krueger.
Unidentified Following Object
Level 1-100 Spooky Companion
The Backstabber's Boomslang
Level 1-100 Mascot
The Deadliest Duckling
Level 1-100 Duck
Every time you fed a duck a breadcrumb, you were financing the Duck Mob. You're implicated. There's no going back now. Take this duck, go to the corner of 43rd, and enter the black Cadillac. When you meet the Don, don't make any jokes about horse heads. He hates that.
  • Style: Capone
  • Styles: Capone, Luciano
The Compatriot
Level 1-100 Mascot
"This is not a bird, maggot! It is a shoulder-mounted symbol of freedom, and you WILL salute it in this man's army!"
Pocket Pauling
Level 1-100 Pocket Buddy
Space Hamster Hammy
Level 1-100 Mascot
The Accursed Apparition
Level 1-100 Spooky Companion
Ivan The Inedible
Level 1-100 Spooky Companion
Sucker Slug
Level 1-100 Hat
Lieutenant Bites the Dust
Level 1-100 Undead Pet
The Spycrab
Level 1-100 Mascot
  • Untradable
The RoBro 3000
Level 1-100 Robot
The RoBro 3000 doesn't just watch your back in battle! Whether you're on the battlefield, out on the town, sleeping in bed or on the toilet, you'll always have a friend in the RoBro, which comes with no "OFF" switch and cannot be shut down. The RoBro even tapes everything you do, whether you want it to or not. It's not even a feature we installed on the RoBro—it's just something it does for its own mysterious reasons!